It’s never okay to ask a transgender or nonbinary person to “put aside their identity.” Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happened to Redditor @modernbaseballfan69, a nonbinary person whose brother fought them on wearing clothing that affirms their gender in his wedding party.
Writing in the infamous /AmITheAsshole Subreddit, @modernbaseballfan69 provided this context: Their brother is getting married next month, and his bride-to-be asked them to be in their wedding party.
“I was thrilled and excited to be included, but then she informed me that the dress code for the bridal party was gender-specific, with women expected to wear dresses and men expected to wear suits,” they explained. “As someone who identifies as nonbinary and is more masculine-presenting, I am uncomfortable with conforming to a gender binary that doesn’t accurately represent me.“
A totally reasonable concern, right? Not according to their brother and future sister-in-law: “I brought this up with my brother and his fiancée, but they insisted that they wanted all their guests to adhere to the dress code, regardless of how it made them feel.”
BIG yikes. Given that information, @modernbaseballfan69 decided to skip out on the wedding altogether.
“I ultimately decided that I did not want to attend the wedding, as I did not feel comfortable being pressured to conform to a gender binary that doesn’t accurately represent me,” they continued. “My brother and his fiancé are now upset with me, accusing me of being difficult and not willing to compromise.”
Worse, their brother and his fiancée went behind their back and involved their mom.
“She called me yesterday and told me I can put aside my identity for one day to make the day special for my little brother,” they shared. “I now feel bad and didn’t realize something as small as the clothes I feel comfortable wearing would cause a rift within my family. So AITA for refusing to go to the wedding?”
I’m sorry — who’s really being “difficult” and “not willing to compromise” here? @modernbaseballfan69 is the one whose gender identity is marginalized. For them, asking to wear a suit isn’t about aesthetics; it’s about aligning their external appearance with how they identify. If the bride and groom weren’t able to respect that, then @modernbaseballfan69 is well within their right to decline the invitation.
For the most part, AITA Redditors were on their side.
“‘Put aside my identity for one day’ — uh, no. NTA,” one commenter wrote. “It is fine for them to dictate the formality of the wedding. It is not fine for them to dictate your preferred gender expression. A suit that is on the same level of formality as suits others are wearing should be considered just fine.”
“I get a dress code for a wedding, but there’s a difference between, ‘We want you to wear this style’ and, ‘We want you to act like you’re another gender,’” another Redditor opined.
“Your family are being queerphobic freaks,” someone else added. “You have asked for an accommodation, and you were told no. You then said, fair enough, then I won’t go. … You’re not dressing in nonbinary flag colors. You’re not crumpling up a pride flag and shoving it down their throats.”
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