According to a search of the trusty internet, the town of Oak Park, Ill., scheduled a mass dog wedding in an effort to claim the Guinness World Record for dog weddings, at that time held by Littleton, Colo., where 178 canine couples tied the knot in May 2007.
In Southern California, Sandy Robins wrote an article with the headline “Dog Weddings On The Rise.” She cautions owners searching for that perfect wedding gown that “dress design can often look different when created horizontally to fit a dog.” Robins quotes one expert who says, “Poodles can wear lots of layers and look wonderful, especially from behind.”
And what do dogs have to say about these marriages? We don’t know because dogs can’t talk, except for Scooby-Doo, who released a statement through longtime companion Shaggy that forced dog marriages are wrong. And Scooby also requested a very, very tall sandwich.
Look, folks, dogs are our friends, our loyal companions. Is it morally right to stuff them into tiny tuxedos, drag them into the town square and force them into Rev. Sun Myung Moon-style marriages with any layered poodle that looks “wonderful, especially from behind?”
Please, think of the puppies.
I could go on, but, alas, I am a busy man. My goat is going through a nasty divorce and we’ve got a deposition scheduled.
Scott Hollifield is editor of The McDowell News and a humor columnist. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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