This column is dedicated to my daughter, Curly Girl, who’s planning to get married at the end of the month. Her biggest fear is that her wedding “won’t be perfect.” At age 23, apparently, you still believe in perfection. I have explained to her many times that the things that go wrong become the best stories later, but she has no interest in my opinion. So what else is new?
So, I solicited stories of wedding misadventures from my friends on Facebook (Are you one? If not, why not? facebook.com/FrumpyMiddleagedMom). Here are some of the tales they shared, from dropped wedding cakes to drunken antics. I’m sure you have a few of your own:
“My name is Lucetta and my husband’s name is Gerard. The priest who was supposed to marry us (and knew us pretty well) decided to leave the priesthood right before our wedding day. In his place, Fr. Jose married us as ‘Mercedes and Geraldo.’ We were never sure after that if we were really married or not.” — Lucy D.
“My best friend at the time and my husband’s best friend left our reception and hooked up in our wedding suite. They were missed at the reception and the bed was noticeably used!” — Vickie D.
“My best friend’s mom set her hair on fire with the unity candle during the ceremony. I chose not to have a unity candle after that.” — Kristin T.
“I had more dogs than people at my wedding and my soon-to-be sister-in-law’s dog peed on my dress mid-ceremony. It was honestly perfect, but was capped off even more by her running up to the front and yelling ‘Whose dog is this?’” — Katelynn P.
“My husband was late for the wedding. And he was late for the divorce hearing.” — Judy R.
“My DJ got drunk and played the songs on my ‘do not play, I hate them’ song list!” — Shelley H.
“About two months before the wedding, I called the chapel to reserve a night for the wedding rehearsal and the phone was disconnected. I left work with my fiance to go to the chapel and no one answered the door. A woman walking her dog stopped to tell us that the owner/operator’s wife had run off with another man and all of the money, including our deposit. The owner went after her.” — Cheryl G.
“Our drivers went to a bar for ‘one beer’ while we were taking photos and stayed for three beers; left the wedding party stranded for 90 minutes. (My bride) broke my nose with her elbow on our wedding night when I carried her over the threshold.” — Dan C.
“I was the maid of honor and toppled the wedding cake carrying it to the serving table.” — Malinda R.
“My granddaughter could not find her shoes and walked down the aisle barefooted.” — Lollie H.
“For our wedding day, the A/C broke at the church that morning and it was 100 degrees. The pastor never said my name correct once. I was Cherry, Sheri, Carol. At our reception, the napkins had my name spelled wrong. Everyone left because we were so miserable and hot and we all just went out to dinner.” — Cheryl T.
“Two days before our wedding, my husband and his co-workers had a rubber band fight at work, and one hit him in the eye and broke a blood vessel. The ophthalmologist put him on instant bed rest. The worry was a clot would form and travel to his heart which could kill him. He had to stay in bed and do everything in bed. (His mom brought him a bottle to pee in.) His best man stepped in for the rehearsal. He got permission from the ophthalmologist to attend the wedding only. In the wedding pictures, he is wearing an eye patch and he was slightly drugged to remain calm during the ceremony. Afterward, he had to go back home and go directly to bed.” — Theresa N.
“We got married outside with a breathtaking view. All was perfect until we were in the middle of our vows, when the trash truck came to empty the bins of the place (where) we were getting married. All you hear on the video is the trash truck and none of our vows.” — Terri B.
“When we got married, the chaplain had a parrot in his office. The only thing the parrot could sing was sea ditties — all of which were fairly obscene. We listen to the tape of the ceremony and crack up each time!” — Carole W.
“My DJ was bitten by a snake setting up for the wedding. So my 12-year-old nephew had to step in.” — Rebecca A.
“My sister fainted while standing at the altar as the maid of honor. The priest never blinked and kept on with the service. My dad and someone else ran over, picked her up and put her off to the side where I could see her stretched out. They even put her hands on her chest. Looking at her made me start giggling. That’s all people remember about my wedding and that was almost 59 years ago.” — Carolyn M.
Frumpy Mom here: The only catastrophe left this week is that I got so many great stories that I didn’t have room for all of them! So I’ll do Part 2 next week for more hair-raising drunken schemes. Join me then. And if you want to write to me, I’m at firstname.lastname@example.org.