Weddings are back in full swing again! So, dust off your wardrobe, brush up on your manners, and prepare yourself for every possible type of wedding with this comprehensive style guide.
Tuxedos required for men. Women should wear long cocktail dresses or evening gowns.
Church-Appropriate Brunch Attire
Ladies’ shoulders should be covered for the ceremony; dresses should fall just above or below the knee. Men should wear jackets and slacks.
Synagogue-Appropriate Scuba Attire
Neoprene kippot required for all men. Extra kippot for non-Jewish guests will be provided as a courtesy, and will be located next to the snorkel bin. Ladies should wear modest waterproof shawls. Flippers may be any color, except white after Labor Day.
Silicon Valley Semi-Formal
Women’s attire must be hip, but not too hip, and a little bit feminine, but not too feminine, and powerful but also not intimidating, but also not weak, but also confident, but also not too confident. Men may wear jeans and T-shirts (cold-brew stains O.K.).
Vineyard Polo Douchewear
Ladies should wear sundresses and pearls. Men should wear collared button-downs, pastel shorts, and a sense of entitlement.
Oregon Trail Sombre Chic
Men should wear austere, moth-eaten linen tunics with pit stains. Ladies should cover their heads with bonnets and carry sewing implements, candle wicks, and a sense of loss.
Whimsical Forest Elfwear
Men should wear green felt tunics and carry pan flutes in their breast pockets. Women should tastefully adorn themselves with ivy. Guests’ floral crowns must never exceed the size of the bride’s, for she is the reigning Faerie Queen. Insect repellent recommended.
Dressy Hoedown Barnwear
Checkered fabrics and Wild West-inspired cuts required for ladies. Heeled leather boots required for both women and men. Cowboy hats must be worn for the duration of the ceremony.
Garden Party (with Vampires!)
Ladies should wear wedge sandals and summer dresses with fake bloodstains tastefully splashed across the bodice. Khakis or dress pants with a collared, blood-splattered shirt required for men. Guests’ fake incisors should never exceed the size of the groom’s.
Cashmere garments with sensual, cheekily placed cutouts are required for all attendees. Cashmere sweaters with the arms and the lower torso cropped are particularly encouraged. All leg garments must fall above the knee, and all torso garments must fall above the belly button.
Glow necklaces will be provided at the ceremony-venue entrance, which will be monitored by bouncers—no more than five glow necklaces per attendee, please. Booty shorts and closed-toe shoes recommended.
Attendees should prepare and dress for extreme heat. Slips acceptable for ladies. Shirts optional for men. Deodorant strongly recommended. No polyester.
Men should wear bolo ties with turquoise-studded belts. Ladies should wear oversized turquoise bracelets and the weather-beaten look of a woman who moved out West to find herself and paint landscapes or something.
Pants optional. ♦